Up the Lifestream without a Chocobo
by FFferret1
Summary: Yuffie, Cloud and Tifa are in Mideel trying to get some supplies, but a certain chocobo type person in pink is making it rather difficult.
1. Up the LifeStream without a Chocobo

Disclaimer - I dont own any of the Final Fantasy characters, or any of the places in this story. They are all property of SquareSoft, or SquareEnix now... Althought I wish I owned them, because I'd make them do all kinds of crazy things! Hee hee hee... rubs hands together evilily  
Oh yeah I also don't own Tamagotchi, so please don't kill me.

Warning... This fic is a little, if not completely insane...!

**Up the Lifesteam, Without a Chocobo **

Cloud, Tifa and Yuffie were shopping in Mideel. For what, Cloud didn't know... He'd long since given up on trying to follow the girls' conversation. The only things he managed to pick up from the last one were:"Mideel", "Shopping" and "White Chocobo". But he couldn't be certain that was what he heard, because he wasn't listening...  
Cloud was far more interested in his new Tamagotchi. He couldn't make out what his pet was, but it did the cutest little things when he fed it! And the buttons were shiny too, so Cloud was happy.

Tifa and Yuffie pushed their way past the Crazed Chocobo woman to the counter.   
(No-one knew why the woman was there, they didn't care either, as long as she didn't speak to you it was fine.)  
Tifa began to order what she wanted from the shop keeper, they were low on Hi-potions, they could also do with a few Phoenix Downs. As Tifa was going through her shopping list, Yuffie couldn't help but notice the crazed woman as she darted back back and forth across the small, wooden room. Yuffie continued to watch the woman, until the woman suddenly stopped sharply, and eyed Yuffie evilly. Yuffie quickly looked at the floor hoping the woman wouldn't come over.  
"Hey Girl!" The woman shouted so loudly even Cloud put down his tamagotchi! Yuffie slowly looked up to see an insane brunette in bright pink clothing, staring directly at her. ("Oh Gawd...") Yuffie nervously kicked at the floor.  
"Yes?" Yuffie said as sweetly as she could.  
"Who do you think you are? Coming in here and buying everything? HUH?"  
"Uhhhh..." Yuffie thought.  
Yuffie glanced at Tifa, she was still busy getting gear and items. Tifa was too busy to notice Yuffie's predicament.   
"I'm not buying anything actually ma'am." Yuffie replied after a while.  
"You liar! Look at you! With all those items!"  
"What are you on about you crazy wench?" Yuffie was losing her temper.  
The head -case began to give poor Yuffie a complete ear-full. Yuffie looked to Cloud for help. Unfortunately for Yuffie, Cloud was having trouble of his own. The crazed woman's chocobo had lost it's mind, and was consecutively attacking Cloud.  
"It was an easy mistake to make!" Cloud told himself. " How was I to know the difference between Samolen greens and hyper! Its not my fault all these items look the same!" Cloud reassured himself as the Psychotic bird tore a huge hole in his trousers.

"Look, you head-case!" Yuffie had had enough.  
"I haven't bought anything see? It's all still there in the counter for you, ok!"  
The Crazed Chocobo woman opened her mouth to speak.  
"Don't start! Yuffie cut in.  
"Take these and go and sit in the corner like a good insane asylum escapee." Yuffie handed the woman a fistful of Tranquilizers and gestured to the corner. The woman snatched them from her, shoved them all into her mouth and crawled over to the corner; where she sat rocking back and forth, crunching on the pills.  
"Phew..." Yuffie sighed and wiped a sweat drop from her brow.  
Yuffie looked over at Cloud. The Chocobo was sat on his chest, munching some greens it had found in his pocket... Cloud himself was pretty beat up, his clothes reduced to rags, and there were several cuts on his cheek.  
Yuffie cautiously approached Cloud.  
"Cloud..?" She whispered. " What are you doing...?"  
"SHHH! Don't speak! Don't disturb it! It's possessed!" Cloud whispered in response.  
Yuffie looked over towards Tifa. She still had no idea what was going on around her. Off in another world...  
"Yuffie! DO SOMETHING!" Cloud was beginning to sob noisily.  
"OK! OK! I'm thinking!" Yuffie looked at her options. But she didn't get chance to do anything...

"KWWWWEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!"  
The White chocobo had finished the greens, and had returned to tearing Cloud up.  
"WAAAHHHH! Make it STOP!" Cloud was clearly in alotta pain.

From the corner of the room came a bizarre sound...  
"Hee hee hee!" Yuffie looked in the direction the sound came from. The chocobo woman was sat, slumped up against the wall. There was an insane smile upon her face. Her eyes were glazed over and there was a long strand of dribble dangling from her open mouth.  
Cloud had managed to get to his feet by now. He was running back and forth, but was unable to shake the chocobo. It was right behind him every move he made.  
("This is gonna mean 8 weeks in the Shrink's office..") Yuffie thought to herself. ("Great...")  
"YUFFIE! HELP!" Cloud's cries woke Yuffie from her thoughts.  
"Oh yeah, Help..!" Yuffie uttered. "Here!" She threw more Tranquilizers at Cloud.  
Whilst still being everlastingly pursued by the devil bird, Cloud caught the pills and began to put them into his mouth.  
"NOOO!" Yuffie shouted. " Not you! The Chocobo!"  
Cloud plainly took the pills from his mouth.  
Yuffie slapped her forehead. ("Stupid Jerk!").

Cloud abruptly stopped running, causing the bird to run into him, and then fall to the floor. Hastily, he shoved the pills into its mouth, and then ran over to Tifa.  
"Cloud..? What's wrong?" Tifa asked, oblivious to all of the commotion.  
"Shhh!" Cloud put his finger up to Tifa's lips. "They're here! THEY'RE HERE! Can you hear them? Listen, KWEEEEHHHH!"  
Tifa blinked, completely bemused. She looked over to Yuffie, who was on the PHS.  
Yuffie on the PHS - " Yes, hello. I'd like to make and appointment with a Psychiatrist please. Yes, for Cloud Strife and Yuffie Kisaragi... oh, ok..."  
Tifa caught sight of the dribbling wreak in the corner, and then the white chocobo on the floor. Consequently, she fainted...  
"Tifa..? Tifa!" Cloud tried to wake her.  
Tifa's eyes slowly opened. "Cloud..?"  
"OHHHH! Look it Shiny!" Cloud dropped Tifa and picked up the shiny wrapper, causing her to fall to the floor again and hit her head.  
Yuffie still on PHS - " Umm.. yeah. Can you also make an appointment for Tifa Lockhart? Ok, Thank You." Yuffie put her PHS back into her pocket.  
"Cloud?" Yuffie asked. "Yes?"  
"Pick up Tifa, we're leaving..."  
"Okie Dokie!" Cloud beamed.  
Cloud scooped Tifa up and put her over his shoulder.  
"Uhhhh... Cloud?" Yuffie asked again.  
"Hmmm?"  
"Best not carry her like that eh?"  
"Why not" Cloud was clueless.  
"Cloud, the woman has an extremely short leather skirt on..." Yuffie sighed.  
"Really?" Cloud's eyes widened.  
He grabbed a small mirror from the shop assistant to check out the view. "Sweeeet!"  
Yuffie on PHS - " Hi, hello it's Yuffie again, can I re-schedule that appointment? Yeah, I'd like to see a shrink ASAP please... Tuesday? Excellent, thanks."

**END**

Mad eh? Don't say I didn't warn you! If you want more then read the next one! It's even worse!

Well lemme know what you think...


	2. Day at the Shrinks

Ok, here we go again...  
Disclaimer - I don't own any of the Final Fantasy characters, or any of the places in this story. They are all property of SquareSoft, or SquareEnix now... Although I wish I owned them, because I'd make them do all kinds of crazy things! Hee hee hee... rubs hands together evilly  
Oh yeah I also don't own Tamagotchi, so please don't kill me.

Avalanche's Day at The Shrink's  
Group Session #1

It's Tuesday, and Yuffie, Cloud and Tifa have made their way to the Psychiatrist's office for their emergency appointments. Upon arrival, they were surprised to discover that the other Avalanche members were there too, for various reasons.  
They were all sat it the waiting room outside the Shrink's office. Yuffie sat down and let out a long sigh. Cloud went and sat down by Aeris, and Tifa by him.  
"Hello Aeris!" Cloud beamed.  
"What're you doing here?"  
Aeris shifted uncomfortably in her chair.  
"My real mother said I should get my head looked at cos I keep hearing her voice.."  
"Oh."Cloud nodded his head pretending he understood. "Isn't your real mother dead?"  
"Yes Cloud..." Aeris replied plainly.  
Tifa looked at the floor and put her hand over her mouth to try to stop herself from laughing.

"Ok, can the next group please come in? Avalanche is it? Avalanche for group session!"  
"Hey! We're not here for a group session!" Yuffie pointed out.  
"Sorry but the secretary put you all down for a group session. This way please!" The Shrink pointed to a room with 10 chairs all in a circle.  
"Aw, Gawd..." Yuffie followed the rest of the gang into the room.  
They each took a chair.  
Cloud sat down in between Tifa and Aeris. He looked at the illustrious woman in pink, then at the hot piece of ass in a mini leather skirt and suspenders.Then he got out his Tamagotchi... It's not like anyone esle was paying attention any way...  
"Right, first of all we need to know each others names." The Shrink began.  
"We already know each others $#' names Lady!"Cid stated.  
"STICK TO THE PROGRAM!" Came a sudden and unexpected scream from the ginger haired woman.  
The noise was unanticipated by the gang, and took them completely by surprise.  
So much so that : Cait fell off Sith. Red burnt himself with his tail. Yuffie fell backwards on her chair. Vincent woke up. Aeris stopped her conversation with her dead mother. Cloud dropped his Tamagotchi. Tifa stopped drooling over Cloud. Barret stopped oiling his gun arm, and Cid threw his porn mag over his shoulder.  
"Thank You." A few hairs had come out of place on her head.  
"Could we please have a little warning before you do something like that again?" Red asked as he bandaged his wound.  
"Right, carrying on with the schedule. My name's Gertrude, and I'm your psychiatrist for the group session!" Gertrude said cheerfully. "Mr.Sith?"  
"Yes?" replied Cait.  
"Could you please tell us who you are and why you're here today?" Gertrude pushed her glasses back up her nose.  
"OK, My name's Cait Sith, and I can't seem to stop eating Tuna sandwiches." Cait looked at the ground in shame.  
"Why is that such a problem? No, never mind that. Why are you even eating? You're a robot!" Gertrude tried to make sense of what Cait said, and failed miserably.  
"I know!" Cait Sith cried. He got up and grabbed Gertrude's arm. "You gotta help me doc! Please! You just gotta help me!"  
Gertrude tried desperately to shake Cait Sith off her person. "Could you please sit down Mr.Sith?"   
Cait sat back down and dried his eyes.  
"Ok.Next please." Gertrude was trying her hardest to stick to the program.  
"My name is Red XIII, I am a research specimen." Red said solemnly.  
"Very good! And why are you hear today?" Gertrude asked the lion creature.  
"I'm depressed. I am a very intelligent being, but I am trapped in this bizarre lion type body.."  
"And why is that such a problem?" Gertrude looked intrigued, all the while taking notes down on her clipboard.  
"I don't even have hands!" Red broke down.  
"I can't open doors, or even tie my shoe-laces!"  
"I see. Then how did you put that bandage on yourself?" Gertrude scribbled out what she had written by Red's name, and replaced it with 'Fucking Mad'.  
"I don't Know..! You See? Nothing makes sense anymore!"Red was clearly on the edge.  
"Right. Moving on " Gertrude smiled nervously.  
"I'm Yuffie Kisaragi, I'm Here because those 3 - she pointed towards Cloud, Tifa and Aeris - have driven me mad!"  
Cloud looked up from his Tamagotchi.  
"Tifa, could you please stop dribbling on me? It's distracting."  
Tifa sat back down in her seat but carried on watching Cloud, as he wiped the slobber off his tamagotchi and returned to feeding it.  
"But it says here that your problem is stealing things." The Shrink looked at her Clipboard.  
"No." Said Yuffie vacantly. "That's not a problem."  
"Not for you Goddammit! Barret roared. "Why, ever' pair of shoes I got, she always stolen the left one!" Barret gestured to his feet.  
"Is this true Ms.Kisaragi?" Gertrude looked at Yuffie.  
"NO! WHY would I want his stinking shoe?"  
"It also says here that you have a problem with telling the truth." Gertrude looked at her clipboard again.  
"BITE ME!" Yuffie crossed her arms.  
"With pleasure!" Red said cheerfully.  
" I wasn't talking to you Red.." Yuffie said shakily.  
"Oh, I was talking to you though...!" Red jumped at Yuffie knocking her to the floor.  
"AHHH!"  
"Right, next please!" Gertrude decided to carry on despite the noise and the mess of Red chewing up Yuffie.  
"Um..Excuse me?" Gertrude tried to get Vincent's attention.  
No response.  
"EXCUSE ME!"  
Vincent woke with a start. "LUCRECIA!"  
"Oh, hello..."  
"Could you please tell us about yourself?"  
" I am Vincent Valentine, I am a former Turk." Vincent's voice was plain and monotonous.  
" I came here to atone for my sins."  
"What sins are these?" It was an innocent enough question.  
"You had to ask didn't you Lady?" Red muffled, as he still had Yuffie's arm in his mouth.  
" Red, could you please let go of me now?" Yuffie sobbed. She had bite marks all over her body, and her clothes were torn to shreds.  
Yuffie staggered towards the door. " Excuse me a second.."  
"Sorry Mr. Valentine, we'll get back to you in a moment." Gertrude was curious as to why Red attacked Yuffie.  
"Red, why did you just maul Yuffie?"  
"It's elementary my dear Watson!" Red began.  
"What is?" Gertrude was confused.  
"She's an annoying, stubborn brat!" Red said defiantly.  
"Here, here!" Came a shout from the rest of the group.  
"Hey! I heard that!" Yuffie re-entered the room with bandages and plasters all over her. She sat in her place angrily.  
"You lot may find me annoying, but I'm the only one here with even the slightest bit of sense!"  
The rest of the Avalanche gang nodded their heads in agreement.  
"And that's only because you stole our sense materia.." Cait chimed in, and then quickly shut up because he realized how stupid he just made everyone look.  
Gertrude shook her head in disbelief.  
"Mr. Valentine could you tell us why you're here?"  
"I let the only person I ever loved be taken away..." As Vince was talking, Yuffie was moving her lips along with his speech. Yuffie had heard Vincent's story about his past a thousand times over, and she knew it off by heart.  
Cloud looked up from his Tamagotchi and saw what Yuffie was doing.  
"Hee hee hee!" Cloud giggled insanely.  
"Cloud you is spending too much time aroun' Aeris... Only she giggles like dat!" Barret pointed out. Vincent stopped his speech and looked at Cloud.  
"Hee hee hee heee heee! Funny! Hee heh hee!" Cloud was pointing at Yuffie and laughing so hard his sides hurt.  
Vincent looked behind him to where Cloud was pointing.  
"Cloud? What on earth is so funny about Yuffie?"  
"She was copying you! Hee hee hee!" Yuffie shot Cloud a look that made him sit down and shut up.  
"Is this true Yuffie?" His face expression-less.  
"NO! Of course not! Would I ever do a thing like that?"  
The gang just looked at Yuffie.  
"Yuffie could I have a private word with you outside a moment please?"  
"I guess.."  
Vincent followed Yuffie out of the room. He closed the door behind them.  
A loud roar followed as Vincent turned into Chaos. "Oh...Shi------!"  
Screams and desperate cries of help could be heard from behind the door. The gang just exchanged looks, they didn't say a word...  
They still didn't say anything as Vincent re-entered the room, dusted himself off, and sat in his seat.  
"Where's Yuffie?" Aeris asked eventually.  
"She'll be back in a minuet." Vincent replied coolly.

Tifa was getting bored of this.  
"Guys, when Yuffie comes back in, lets just get this over with so I can get Cloud home and tie him up and..." Tifa didn't finish her sentence, she was drooling too much.  
Cloud looked very worried, his eyes were wide with shear terror.  
The gang all squirmed uncomfortably in their chairs at the thought of Tifa's sexual deviance.  
Just then, Yuffie re-entered the room. Her leg was in a caste and she was using a crutch, she could only use one because her other arm was broken. There were more cuts on her face, and she had the biggest black eye Cloud had ever seen.  
"Don't say a word..." Yuffie said as she limped over to her seat.  
Vincent didn't even bat an eyelid.  
"Where were we? Ah yes. Ms, would you care to tell us who your are and why you're here?" Gertrude chose to ignore the escalating amount of abuse being hurled at Yuffie.  
"My name is Aeris, and I can't tell you my second name..."  
"Why not?" The shrink inquired.  
"Because the author of this fan fic can't spell it." Aeris replied.  
"Alright then Ms. Aeris, why are you here today?"  
"Because my mother told me to." Aeris blinked.  
"Do you often do what your mother says?" The shrink started going down the Child Abuse 101 file.  
"No. My mother's dead..." Aeris's expression was vacant. Like it was completely normal to be hearing dead people's voices.  
Gertrude threw the Child abuse file over her shoulder. She picked up a quiz sheet entitled : 'How sane are you?'  
"Ms. Aeris, would you mind filling out this quiz for me please?"  
"Certainly! Do you have a crayon?" Aeris asked.  
"Why do you want a crayon? Wouldn't it be easier with a pen?"  
"No." Aeris replied blankly.  
"Here I have one." Cloud handed Aeris a green crayon.  
"I don't like green, do you have a pink one?" Aeris gave Cloud the sweetest look she could.  
Tifa growled angrily and crossed her arms.  
"Yeah! I gotta pink one!" Cloud took a packet of crayons from his pocket.  
"Why the hell are you carrying around a packet of crayons!" Cid was shocked to see just how stupid Cloud could be.  
"Just in case.." Cloud said.  
"In case of what? In case you get a sudden urge to do some #£$' colouring! Cid shouted.  
"You never know..." Cloud said as he handed Aeris a pink crayon. Cid slapped his fore head and swore.  
"Thank You!" Aeris winked at Cloud making him blush. She then took the crayon from Cloud and ate it...  
(WTF!) Gertrude thought.  
"Uh.. Ms. Aeris?"  
"Yeah?" Aeris replied with a half chewed up crayon in her hand.  
"Better take this quiz instead.." Gertrude handed Aeris another quiz. This time it was entitled : 'How insane are you, on a scale of 1-100?'  
"OK!" Aeris took the quiz and went and sat in the corner to do it.  
"Um... Can I borrow a pen?" Aeris asked innocently.  
"Yes, I have one." Red handed Aeris a pen.  
"Red, why do you have a pen if you can't use your hands, or paws, or what ever they are?" Yuffie wondered.  
"AHHHHH! I don't understand it! AHHHHHHHHH!" Red jumped off his chair and shuffled underneath it. Where he put his head in his hands, or paws, or whatever they were and proceeded to tell himself that he was human and it's ok to be 'different'.  
"Ok..." Gertrude sighed. She wasn't expecting anything like this, not this early in the week anyway.  
"You there! With the tamagotchi!"  
Cloud jumped and looked up. "Me?"  
"YES YOU! DO YOU SEE ANY ONE ELSE IN HERE WITH A +&£$! TAMAGOTCHI? Cid was seriously ticked off. He had better things to do that hang around in a shrink's office with a bunch of social retards.  
Cloud looked around the room. "No."  
"Then I must of been addressing you, mustn't I?" Gertrude adjusted her glasses.  
"Please! Don't get so technical!" Cloud squealed.  
"Never mind. Tell us who you are and why you're here."  
"I'm Cloud Strife!" Cloud grinned from ear to ear. As if he had just done something he was really proud of.  
There was a long pause...  
"And?" Gertrude said eventually.  
"And...?" Cloud repeated, an utterly confused look upon his face.  
The Shrink was losing it. She rubbed the temples of her head to try to calm her raging head ache.  
"You're supposed to say why you're here..." The shrink said through clenched teeth.  
"Oh! OK!" Cloud said, still grinning.  
"Actually, why am I here?"  
"Cloud, do you remember the white chocobo back in Mideel?" Yuffie cut in.  
Cloud remembered. He let out a small scream at the thought of the possessed pigeon. His eyes were full of fear.  
"Do you remember all of the bad dreams you had after that about being chased by a giant chocobo?" Yuffie went on, thrilled at the amount of power she had over Cloud.  
Cloud had begun to sweat.  
"Do you remember all of the time you woke everyone up screaming like a girl?" Yuffie was loving it.  
"Yuffie! That's enough!" Tifa had to stop Yuffie. Cloud had broken down in the middle of the circle. He was holding his head and shaking it back and forth. (The same was he does in the game).  
"AHHH! The devil bird is here! It's here!"  
Yuffie couldn't hold it in anymore.  
"BWA HA HA HA HAAA HAAAA! Ow, ow ,ow - don't make me laugh - it hurts!" Yuffie held her aching side as she laughed hysterically.  
Gertrude was dumbstruck. She had had clients similar to this before, but never so... so retarded.  
"Hey does anyone know how to spell DNA?" Aeris asked, still trying to fill in her quiz.  
Tifa wasn't going to stand for this.  
"Yuffie, get over here now."  
"No, I don't think so." Yuffie said defiantly.  
Tifa got up and walked to a clear space in the room, away from all the furniture.  
She gestured to the spot in front of her where she wanted Yuffie to stand.  
"Come 'ere Yuffie." Tifa cooed. "Or are you too chicken?"  
Yuffie was a lot of things, but chicken? She definitely was not. Yuffie got up and limped to the spot in front of Tifa.  
"Yes?" Yuffie asked cockily.  
"That, was probably THE most stupid thing you ever did..." Tifa drew back her fist, and launched it. Yuffie was sent flying backwards into the wall. Dust and debris fell everywhere.  
"The next time you even think about upsetting MY Cloud again, you won't get off so easily." Tifa dusted her hands off and returned to her seat.  
"THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Gertrude was livid.  
"FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE ALL FCKING MAD!"  
" You can't say that word in this story!" Cloud tried to protect the ears of the young readers. But Gertrude carried on...  
"THEN YOU BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA THIS YOUNG GIRL 3 TIMES!"  
"Yeah!" Yuffie agreed.  
"SHUT THE HELL UP! I'M TALKING HERE!"  
" Yes Ma'am!" Yuffie shut up.  
"AND IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH! YOU WREAKED MY OFFICE! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY WALL!"  
"Can we go now?" Cid wanted out.  
"GO?... GO?" Gertrude mocked.  
"I WANT YOU ALL TO GET THE HELL OUTTA MY SIGHT!"  
"Okie Dokie!" Cloud didn't need telling twice, he made his way to the exit straight away. The rest of the gang followed him out, Tifa was right behind Cloud, dribbling...  
"Wait!" Aeris screamed.  
"Wait! I finished my quiz!" Aeris shouted proudly.  
"That's Great..." Gertrude had never been so sarcastic in all her life.  
"Yeah!" Aeris mused.  
"YOU'RE INSANE! I DON'T NEED A DAMN QUIZ TO TELL ME THAT!  
Aeris blinked,"Ooh.."  
"GET OUT!"  
Aeris turned tail and fled, Slamming the door behind her. As she left, Aeris spoke with her mother (Yes her dead one!).  
Aeris had gained a nervous twitch. She bashed the side of her head, trying to stop the voice.  
"I told you mother! This was a bad idea!"

After Aeris had left Gertrude picked up her phone and dialed.  
" Yes hello, it's Gertrude. I'd like an appointment with my Shrink ASAP! Thanks. Could I also get a side order of Tamazipan and Prozac? Ok thank you. Bye."

**END**

I know, I know... Even more insane than the last one eh?

Well lemme know what you think...


	3. The Insanity Test

**How Insane are you?**

**Write your name:Cheryl Crow**

**Write the name of the person whos talking to you: Ifalana but she prefers Jeff. **

**If n2, then what is n+n? Eleventeen**

**Spell DNA: Tifa said," Yuffie, get over here now." **

**Whats your favourite food? Mimette greens. **

**Have you ever eaten pencil lead? Yup! This one time at band camp..no wait...I never went there. **

**Why don't things grow in Midgar? Cos Cloud usually falls on it. **

**What is mRNA? Messenger RiboNucleic Acid. **

**Well done. You have completed this quiz. Even though it only took you 2 mins, you must now sit in the corner for the rest of the fan fic.**

**Thank You  
Your welcome! **

**Idiot...**


	4. Another day in the life of Yuffie

Disclaimer: I love Yuffie! Despite the fact that I put her through a lot she is one of my most fav characters! Oh yeah I don't own any characters used in this story. They are all property of SquareSoft (as it was back in the old days! Now its SquareEnix!). So Mr. Square man! No court cases please! I'm a good person:)

On with the Show!

Yuffie Kisargai the teenage ninja sat cross legged on the floor. She was bored. She'd already taken the entire contents of Tifa's room. (A bit of make-up, some gloves, and an extremely large bra was included in the haul). She wasn't sure why she'd taken the bra. Probably just for the hell of it. Though it was pretty funny when she used it as a slingshot to wop Cid one and…the pilot impressions! Yuffie giggled at the flashback as she remembered Cid's tantrum.  
But anyway! Back to the point! Yuffie was bored. She already had virtually every possession of the FF gang (including a lot of their material) so there was nothing left to pilfer.  
After a long while in Yuffie's opinion (with her attention span, 5 seconds) she decided to go and see what Red was up to. She kicked various belongings of Tifa's out the way and quickly stood up, took a step, and then fell flat on her face.

Narrators note: "I swear Yuffie must be a natural blonde! I mean look at her!"

"Hey! I heard that!" Yuffie scrambled to her feet and snatched up her shuriken, then she hastily ninja-ed it up the stairs and to the narrator's office. Loud screams are heard and Yuffie returns a moment later, without her shuriken She trotted out the door and down stairs grinning to herself maliciously.

Meanwhile…

Tifa opened her eyes sleepily. She'd had a great nights sleep. She couldn't remember much of last night, but she must've had a good night! Tifa glanced at her clock to check the time. It was…not there? Where the hell was her clock? "Yuffie…" Tifa mumbled under her breath. "Never mind…I can just get another one. I won't let her ruin my day already." She got out of bed and headed for her wardrobe to get dressed.  
"Socks, orthopedic underwear (she managed to get them off Cloud), skimpy leather skirt, sleeveless shirt, kinky suspenders and my favourite bra." Tifa mumbled to herself sleepily as she retrieved the items from the cupboard. As she fumbled round for her treasured item, panic suddenly shot through her body when she came to a realization.

"Where's my favourite, one of a kind tailored to fit bra?" Tifa stamped her foot down in frustration. "Yuuuuufffffffiiiiieeeeeeeeee!"  
Tifa looked out of the window just in time to see the crazy kleptomaniac look over her shoulder briefly then leg it outta town, off towards Cosmo Canyon.  
Tifa hurriedly got dressed (finding a substitute bra) and headed downstairs, nearly falling over several times in her haste. It was time to plot revenge…

More to come! Just keep rating and I'll keep writing!


	5. Cloud doesn't like Chocobos

**Disclaimer:**  
ffFerret1: Mmmm! (Spoon-feeding herself peanut butter straight from the jar) Nyum.. Scoff…I don't own this…munch…Square do. There! Crunch… said it! Now Square can't take any thing away from me! Haha! Crunch.. scoff…  
(Square employees run up stairs to narrator's office)  
Square-man: Coneechiwa! We are representatives of Square!  
ffFerret1: (pays them no mind, just carries on eating peanut butter)  
Square-man: You are using our characters. It is only fair we get something in return!  
ffFerret1: (Still eating. Has peanut butter all around her face)  
Square-man: Hey YOU! We are talking to you! (Snatches peanut butter jar)  
ffFerret1: (blink)  
Square-man: There! That's more like it! Now lets discuss terms shall…we…?  
ffFerret1: (red with rage) Grrr….  
Square-man: Heh heh…heh?  
ffFerret1: Grrrrrr-RAAAAAAAHHH! FEEL MY WRATH! (Lunges at Square-man)  
Square-man: Eep..! Run away!  
(ffFerret1 grabs peanut butter jar off Square-man before kicking him down the stairs)  
Square-man: Ahh! We can see you're busy! We'll come back another time! Sayonara!  
(ffFerret1 returns to peanut butter jar only to find it empty)  
Noooo! sob, sniff This cannot be! ………  
Oh well… Since there's none left I may as well carry on with the Story…(weeps)

Elsewhere…In Cosmo Canyon.

Cloud was in town trying to sort out some new material. Seeing as Yuffie had taken the rest, and every time anyone got near her stash she went skitz. Kicking, scratching and biting! Cloud rubbed the cut on his arm as he remembered his last encounter with the ninja. Cloud was suddenly woken from his thoughts.

"Hello! Anybody there?" An old, portly woman waved her hand in Cloud's face.

"Huh?" Cloud uttered.

"Are you here to buy materia or what?" The woman at the counter queried.

"Uh? Oh yeah!" Cloud replies. "I'd like 3 bolts, 3 ice, 3 fire…and well, 3 of everything please."

"Sure thing! Be right back!" The woman chirped as she disappeared into a door behind the counter.

"Oh yeah! And don't forget the HP and MP plus!" Cloud shouted after the impatient woman. She returned a moment later with all the materia Cloud requested.  
"So that's 9,230,000,000 gil please!"  
"WHAT?" Cloud shouted. Materia was expensive, but this was ridiculous!  
"Can you pay or what?" Her tone was slightly annoyed.  
"Geez…yeah, ok, ok (Crazy old bat!)" He took his wallet out.  
"You wanna repeat that?"  
Cloud simply smiled his sweetest grin. "I said what a lovely old cat!"  
"Yeah…whatever…"The woman blinked. Cloud paid the woman the large sum she required for her wares and walked towards the door. "Oh yeah! If this girl (holds up a picture of Yuffie) comes in here asking about me, I wasn't here. Understand?" Cloud knew that his appearance was unlike anyone else's and all Yuffie had to do was mention his eyes or unique hair and anyone would instantly recognize him. The woman nodded to his request.  
Cloud turned and left, hitting his big hair on the door, causing it to bend in an odd fashion.

…Long silence…  
Woman at the counter: "I don't have a cat! That cheeky son of a gun! Hmph, kids these days!"

Yuffie had reached the entrance to Cosmo Canyon just in time to see the Spiky headed blonde leaving.

"Hey Cloud!" She grinned. Cloud squirmed as he heard the words. "Oh great. It's you…What do you want?"

"Nothin'!" Yuffie quickly replied, a mischievous glint in her eye.  
"Well in that case, I'm going back to Tifa's…"  
"Why you gonna go get some? Hahaha!" Yuffie taunted. Cloud shot her a look. Yuffie smugly walked round Cloud, hands on her head. "Well, sorry lover-boy, but Tifa ain't gonna be in the mood!"

"What have you done? No, scratch that…I don't even wanna know." "Suit yourself!" Yuffie mused. "What's in the bag?"

("UH OH!") Cloud thought. "Just some er… things Tifa asked me to pick up."

"Oh really? What?" Yuffie sounded interested.

"Just some things." Cloud repeated. "You haven't gone and bought a whole load of Choco brand hair gel again have you?" Yuffie laughed.  
Cloud fell to his knees. "AHHH! Don't say it!" "Say what? …OH yeah! Hahaha the chocob -" "NOOOOOOOOO!" Cloud cut her off. "Ahh! You lil twerp! It's nothing to do with those evil birds! Its mat-" Cloud's pupils suddenly got really small as he realized what he almost said.

Yuffie's eyes narrowed, and a knowing grin spread across her face. "Mat.. eh?"  
Cloud regained his composure. "Err yeah its hair gel and some other kinky things you wouldn't be interested in!" Yuffie screwed her nose up in response. "Ewww GROSS-NESS! You can keep your kinky sex toys! I'm outta here!" She ran off.  
Cloud wiped the sweat from his brow. "That was too close…Oh god. Where is she going now?" "HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Cloud shouted after Yuffie.  
"TO SEE RED!" She replied hastily. "OH! AND CLOUD?" "Huh?" "KWWWEEEEEEEEEHHH!" Yuffie shouted before she ducked into one of the Cosmo buildings. Cloud's eye-brow began twitching…then his eye. "D-d-d-devil Bird! WAAAAAAHH!" He fell to the floor, dropping the bag. He lay there for about 15 mins just screaming like a girl and convulsing. When he eventually stopped and realized there was no devil bird, he returned to thinking rationally (or as rationally as a Cloud can think).

After looking round to see how many people he made himself look like a moron in front of he swiped up the bag again. "Perfect!" Cloud thought to himself. Now he could get back and hide the materia without Yuffie even knowing!  
Little did our favourite blonde know, the sneaky kleptomaniac had already sussed him. (Well come on…It's not hard! Even Yuffie can see straight though him! That says a lot really!)

Using her ninja skills, Yuffie followed Cloud back to Tifa's. She eventually managed to over take him by hiding behind a rock and shouting KWEEEH - causing Cloud to have another episode. After a while of just watching and laughing, Yuffie tried her hardest to suppress the over-whelming urge to kick him in the ribs as she stealth-ed round him. "Haaaaha! I never get tired of that!" She wiped the tears of laughter away and took off, leaving Cloud repeatedly banging his head on the floor yelling obscenities about "tunneling devil birds". (Don't ask… it seems the therapy session has only made him worse.)

Anyway…we leave Cloud to pummeling himself..(?) And we find Yuffie…who has reached the gates of Neibelheim, skipping and singing "Don't Stop me Now" by Queen.

"Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time! I feel aliiiiiiiiiiiiiveee!  
And the world, I'll turn it inside out YEAH!"  
People walking past her stop and stare, their mouths open wide. Yuffie didn't notice, she was like, in her own little words of shiny things and all things Yuffie-ish. (No really.. I don't know what she thinks about! She's WEIRD!)

"I'm floating around in ecstaaasssssy! So! Don't stop me noooow! Don't stop me, 'cause I'm having a good time! Haaaving a gooood tiiime!"

The people of Neibelheim suddenly all fall backwards and start struggling for air through their fits of laughter.

"I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky, like a tiger defying the laws of gravity, I'm a racing car passing by, like Lady Godiiiiva!"  
Yuffie, still skipping, approaches the lamp-lighter of Neibelheim, Boris.

"I'm gonna go, go, goooo, there's no stopping meeeeeeee!"  
Boris was a quiet man, careful and considerate. Every move he made was gentle and flowing, which was the reason why he was elected lamp lighter of Neibelheim. After the town having been burned down, everyone still remaining there became fearful of light and fire. (Which is my theory why there are no people outside in Neibelheim in the game! They're all scared of the light and all things…burn-ish.) So it was an important job. Boris was the best one they'd had yet!

Boris was doing the normal route, lighting the lamps carefully from his ladder.

Then Yuffie came past…

"Don't stop me don't stop me, don't stop me, hey, hey, hey! Don't stop me don't stop me ooh, ooh, ooh, I liiiiiiike it!"  
Boris stopped… And watched her in quiet disbelief.  
"Don't stop me don't stop meeeeeeeee –uhh.." Yuffie stopped singing suddenly as she had forgotten the words… But not wanting to stop as she was enjoying her little singing session, picked up on another song. (Queen of course! Lol!)

"Spare him his life from this monstrosity, easy come easy go - will you let me goooo? Bismillah! No - we will not let you goooo - let him gooo!  
Bismillah! We will not let you gooo - let him goooo!  
Bismillah! We will not let you goooo - let me goooo  
Will not let you go - let me gooo-o-o-oooo!"  
Boris face turned from an expression of disbelief, to bright red as he laughed the hardest he ever did in his life! "BWAAA HAHAHAHA!"  
Yuffie stopped singing. "What's up with you?"

"AAaaaah HAHAAHHA! You, you hahahah!" "Me, me what?" Yuffie replied, her tone annoyed.  
Boris said nothing. He couldn't, he was laughing too much! Yuffie remained there though, hoping for an answer. She never got one… For Boris the trusted lamp-lighter of Neibelheim fell backwards off his ladder, knocking his lamp to the floor…

"HA! That'll teach you to laugh at people for no reason!" Yuffie said triumphantly as she entered Tifa's house.

As Yuffie left, the city suddenly burst into flames, due to the fact that Boris's lamp fell into a stack of hay which was destined to be transported to the Chocobo farm. (It's the only way they can make money these days!)

Flames raged around the town and the towns people themselves ran around in a frenzied state of panic. Screaming and wailing as they ran around with their arms flailing about.

Yuffie heard their cries of help. "For Gawds sake!" She said as she hung out of Tifa's top window. She rummaged around in her pocket, before finally pulling out a red materia and summoning it.  
Ifrit suddenly appeared and began "tearing sht up" as Cid would say.

"Oh! Shite! Wrong one!" Yuffie yelped as she watched Ifrit literally unleash hell on the town, before disappearing as summons tend to do. (Which raises an important question, just where do the summons go in their spare time?)

"Errrm..um, um AH!" She rummaged through her pockets a second time, pulling out yet another red summon materia. She summoned it.  
Leviathan appeared from no where, bringing with him a wall of water. (FROM WHERE?) The water cascaded down and engulfed the town, extinguishing the greedy flames. Yuffie pulled her head back in the window and returned to Yuffie-ing (a term I have invented to describe Yuffie-like actions!)

And so my friends…we come to the end of another chapter. Tune in again next time for another installment of mishaps, madness and mayhem!

Moral of the story is: Always check the label and sell by date of summons!

(But then…if you really want to be considerate, why not give the summons a call before summoning. Just to see how they're doing y'know? They get very lonely and upset that they are only plucked out of no where when they are needed to maul and maim things. Just as all God's creatures do, summons need to feel loved once in a while. So go on! Tell them you love 'em! HUG-A-SUMMON-WEEK!)

So tell me what you think! Don't be afraid to let me know how I can improve guys! I won't hurt you! Though…I do know Kung-fu, Ju-jitsu, Tae Kwon do, and many other dangerous words…


End file.
